Yes, no one really has heard a word of me in a long time. Well, I'm here to talk a lot about myself, and how this place is more than just a place to show your art to the world.
DeviantArt has been more than just a site I joined. I've made friends here. I'm sorry for anything bad I may have done to anyone though. But the best part of mistakes is learning how to prevent it from occurring again. I've made many mistakes, as I'm not perfect, just as how everyone is not either. I have accepted many things as well, such as understanding I'm more of the outcast, because I'm not like others. I'm more with a 'darker' personality and likings.
In fact, I'll tell you why I am. In a simple way to put it, chances were taken from me. Just as my precious possessions were stolen by others. Of course, it probably sounds typical to hear, but it's more of a very depressing experience. Like I'm going to admit, I recently seemed to have lost Pokémon X, yet I'm not the one who lost it. One of my siblings did. Of course, I also grieved from losing it, just as I lost Pokémon Red Rescue Team, Black Version, Diamond Version, My old drawings, and many other old possessions I took care of. I don't yet know why things are often taken from me. Not only have physical items been stolen from me, but also emotional feelings. I grew cold ever since I learned a few things in ways I didn't want nor deserved. Uhmmm..One thing I can tell you about was back in fifth grade. Some of you know this little 'story', but for those who don't I'll tell you, because I know those who care are reading my every word.
Advanced Mathematics class. In the middle of a typical hot, dull day. That day, we had a test to complete, and knowing what to choose via my knowledge, I finished before the others. I always kept quiet though, I never really say things to others. So I took out a little sketchbook I always kept out with me. It was just a small journal I guess you can call it, since I drew personal feelings in it, like a passionate hug of two people. I wasn't very good at art back then however, so of course I expected something. But now hear this: So I was drawing and minding my own business, when my teacher suddenly decided to take the small book of mine away. Speechless as I was, I began to feel nervous. Dangerously nervous, as I began to know many possibilities were at hand. And of course, he did the worst of all of them. No, not just take it away and ask me what I drew, but he actually had the audacity to show the entire class my deplorable skill of drawing. They laughed and some pointed, while I cried and watched from the back of the room. Miserable as I felt as he commented negatively to what I now saw as repulsive, I began to not trust a lot of people, I grew lonelier, and I didn't care for a lot of things anymore. I began to think to what I held onto memories for. And I began to question if I should even try anymore. Part of me said to keep going, so I did. I always had hopes up.
Years come by, I can still remember my trip to Minnesota like yesterday. Hazy, stormy, humid. what's not to like, I was told. Oh, almost everything. Being there just caused me to change even more. Our family struggled with money there as well, the basement had a broken window so It would floor very often, and my parents began to fight. Trying my best to take care of my two little brothers and my little sis, this began to get stressful.
After feeling like being stuck on a broken road to nothingness, we finally managed to get back to Arizona (Did I mention the part where we dealt with two tornadoes in one night?) and it was supposed to get better. I still had hopes, and so I still tried to continue. 2010, 2011, 2012....It's like the years were mostly
beautiful. 2013 was the year I lost even MORE
So we had an apartment, and we moved around...10 times in the past years, (13th time to count up to date.) and still I also don't know as to why it felt like bad luck just followed us. Travelling like crazy, I realized I went through many states: California, Colorado, Arizona, Nevada, New Mexico, Nebraska, Kansas (Got stuck there for three days.), South Dakota, a bit of North Dakota, and then Minnesota. But anyways, continuing on, we were still (Like usual) having trouble with money. And so my mom called around with my family members, seeing who we can live with.
My aunt arose to that calling we had. "Come to California, we'll take care of you!" she said. Having no other choice, we decided to take a long, 9-hour trip back to my home state. Finally arriving there, we got whatever we could bring with us, and by what I know, we lost a lot of things through the years. Things went good for the first two weeks. Especially since I haven't seen this part of my family in a long time. Mh..
That changed shortly after the first two weeks.
They began to show their true selves, being ungrateful, rude, and uncaring to us. I was told rude things often because I was judged for my silent personality. (Oh of course.
Go for the kid who's quiet. That's what everyone around me does.
) Living with knowing I'm judged and blamed the most, I always relied on my ex, which I always tried to be with every minute. I had an old ZTE X500 at the time. (To be honest, I don't like that phone at all.
) That phone was very picky about what charger would make it charge its battery. Worst part? I had to have two. For a simple fact: The one that had no cracks in its screen had no charger port. It was broken. The other ZTE on the other hand, had one, with the downside to having
a cracked screen. Ohh goodness you don't know how troubling that phone became for me. It only worked on Wi-Fi, that was another downside. "Thank God for my aunt having Wi-Fi" I often said. One night however, guess what happened. My aunt decided to STEAL,
my charger from me. And the worst part of it was that I went through a lot of walking and hard times just to find a charger that actually worked. I cried for a week, since had no hopes in my head. And then I worried my ex was mad at me.
Oh that week passed...I always felt sad though. I felt lonely. Luckily I thought, my mom said she'd try buying a charger with the money she got from working. We drove far to get one. Guess what: It only worked for two minutes of charging, thanks to the ZTE being picky. I lost hope. I lost a lot of hope many times there. So I stopped hoping for things to settle down. I became tense. I became very tense, and very independent. (There's another reason I became independent, but that's a personal story.) Now, I'm going to tell you another bad thing that happened. One day, we went to my dad's friend's house, who he met as they both worked on a giant ship called the Queen Mary (Which I have pictures of.) and he was kind enough to give me a charger for free. Best thing was that it actually worked
! Happy in a state of not being sad, I finally started to have small hope. Going back to that atrocious place I had to call home, I went back to where I had my stuff: A small corner by a couch. In fact: Let me tell you how the house was inside.
Walking in, on your right was a small bathroom. By it was my cousin's room. going straight is the stairs that lead to the second floor. After the last stair, you turn to see the kitchen. It's small, the same size as the living room right next to it, which was where we slept. (I can't wait
to tell you about the rules we had to follow. You're going to love them.) Anyways, after the small living room is an outside porch, which was only big enough for..Hmm, 5 people to stand on altogether. also, to the right of the living room was more
stairs. Oh, how I love stairs. Ugh. So going up the stairs and then a bit straight is three rooms, which was my aunt and uncle's room on the left, the bathroom nextdoor, then on the right were my two other cousin's room.
Now that you know how the home is, I want to tell you the rules we were given. Rule number 1: No TV after 8 PM. I guess it doesn't include my cousins nor aunt, since their TV ran all day, even though they say they pay electricity. Rule 2 (I was personally given this rule one day): No cooking for yourself. Yeah, I had to wait for my mom. Let's see, what was I served and how many times was it served...White rice. And how many times did I eat it? Twice. Every. Day. My parents felt bad often, because white rice can be plain when eaten without anything else after a while. So we'd get a few things out every so often, but it was rare since we had low money. (Even though my aunt had wasted money on fast food she let rot while we couldn't eat none of it.) Rule 3: No backtalking to my aunt or any of her family. LIKE I CAN DO THAT WITH HOW HARD THINGS WERE MADE. And finally, rule 4: Respect everything in the house. Of COURSE I did that. It's only naturally mandatory. She didn't do it back.
Back to my story, I charged my phone, until my aunt decided to tell me that I stole it. Hah. Again she stole a charger and claimed it be hers. And every one of her family knew it too. But going a few weeks after what seemed like forever due to the most boring TV re-runs and gray-mood days, there happened the final day of being there. And it's what ultimately brought us away from that prision-like apparition for a home. She decided to pin a joke on me in front of everyone that I stole $200. Like I would do that. My parents trusted me with their rent money many times. So after a talk with my parents, she ultimately decided this:"Joseph is not allowed to live here. He will be kicked out onto the street for this, and he is not allowed back in."
Yes, just me. My family got to stay, while I was capable of dying by a number of things. Sad how an aunt can not care for one family member huh? Oh well...
That's not the only thing I was falsely accused of taking. My grandfather, yes, my grandfather was tricked into actually thinking I stole his android phone. That was taken care of though.
I'll explain more of my personal life another time if you want, but I only will if anyone actually wants to know. Now I'm going to my original topic.
DeviantArt, full of many good people as I've seen most of the time, has cheered me through the years. I made a good decision coming here. Not only can I draw and upload my memories here, I can even talk with others who like me for who I am. It is sometimes rare, but I am grateful for even the smallest time I have with a person like that. I'm willing to share deep thoughts on my philosophy, and many other things. And then I know there are many who probably forgot about me. Well, that's okay.
I wanted to try something more nice than before: I'm going to add EVERYONE
I watch. Yes, everyone, to show no one can be 'easily forgotten'. I care for everyone. And I appreciate those who care back. Here is my entire watch list:
I know I included some that don't exist too, but I just to anyways.
Anyways, DeviantArt means a lot to me. I'm sorry to many, and I will try my best to make up anything wrong I may have done. And I thank the 266 deviants I watch. It's a great motivation to me, even after many things I went through, knowing some people enjoy looking at my art. I hope to inspire, teach, and encourage others as well.
I'll talk about a few last things about me. Someone told me: "..It must be harder on you though. I've had so many chances to do something, and you've had those chances taken away." That gets to me deeply. I was also told that even though 2014 is killing me slowly like every other year but the worst, that I can keep going. One reason as to why I'm not here often honestly is because..Family problems...Even if I have an exact family anymore. I can't explain more, other than mentioning: Separation.
Yes...You might know what I mean. And then it's also hard to fight apathy, depression and pain that always burdens my shoulders. You know some of what has happened to me, so you know what I mean. I am also a sensitive person often, please keep it in mind. And then add that twist of a dark personality. It's all that into one soul, me. Yet I still try my best with having not much hope anymore and small outlooks into something amazing. Also I wanted to say that I mostly love dark, ambient music. I finally figured that was my favorite genre to music.
Anyways, I'm going to finish. Thank you for some of you who dedicated your time into reading part of my past. Maybe I'll feel a bit less stressed knowing I can share part of myself with the world. It gives me a shine of hope to know the world is still beautiful in some ways.
I will try to be here more often, I promise. And last, I wanted to tell you a few titles I made for a relation about my life.
"Soliloquy For The Spiraling Metaphysical Distortion Complex.
"Reincarnation Upon Broken Promises.
You let me know which one is best if you want.
And so this is the end to my journal. I hope it's as deep to you as it was for me. enjoy your day/night.